Sex has rules. Or at least society likes to think it does. These unwritten codes, these whispered “don’ts,” are what we call sexual taboos.
They range from the mildly outdated (goodbye virginity obsession) to the downright bizarre (cough, foot fetishes, cough). But what happens when your desires land smack dab in the middle of a big, bold taboo zone?
That has been the predicament I’ve faced since childhood. My fantasies involve scenarios that would make most people blush. The shame and the judgment I imagined were paralyzing me for years.
But is it possible to reconcile these desires with what society deems acceptable? Join me as I embark on a journey to explore the dark corners of desire, societal norms, and the ever-blurring lines of what’s taboo in the bedroom.
Why Are We Turned on by Taboo Fantasies?
“Why am I turned on by (fill in the blank with whichever sex taboos excite you: rough sex, underage girls, being watched, humiliation, a family member, homosexuality, group sex, violence, choking, children, abusing power, cuckolding, sex with animals, spanking, snuff, transsexuality, bad boys, being scared, rape…)?”
A version of this question first came up for me, accompanied by feelings of intense shame, when I was still a young boy, years before puberty or even rudimentary sexual knowledge.
For some reason I found the pleasure of touching my genitals increased when I imagined taboo fantasies where I was tied up, stripped, and humiliated by older children or teenagers. Seeing how early these dark sexual fantasies can begin is indicative of their true innocence.
Despite not even knowing what sex was, I’d already been harshly shamed for touching my genitals, so I had the sense that the type of pleasure I was giving myself was “bad” and somehow dangerous. I’d also never heard of anyone imagining the types of taboo fantasies I was enjoying. This compounded the idea that these ways of pleasuring myself were “bad”. And if I was enjoying something “bad” I believed I must be one of the “bad people”.
I experienced great relief when I finally heard someone suggesting that I wasn’t the only child who touched their genitals, in a middle school class on human reproduction. But there was nothing about the dark sexual fantasies that I was enjoying. So the shame around these taboo fantasies persisted. It seemed like there was nobody I could even talk to about being turned on by dark sexual fantasies, because I was sure anyone I told about my taboo fantasies would condemn me.
The Fear & Loathing of Dark Sexual Fantasies
My sexual fantasies evolved as I grew older and passed through puberty. But my most arousing fantasies continued to involve the transgression of sex taboos. The very fact that what I imagined violated sexual taboos was a key part of the arousal for me, and a common thread between the different fantasies that I enjoyed.
When I started to have sexual relationships I felt the need to continue to conceal this part of myself from my partners. Even when I was able to share some of my forbidden fantasies with a partner without being condemned, I was still sure that my deepest, darkest imaginings couldn’t be shared. I was convinced I would always need to hide this “bad” part of myself from everyone. And I could never let myself be fully seen and known, and never enjoy true intimacy.
I felt like there was a “monster” at the heart of my sexuality, which caused me to fundamentally distrust my sexuality, my desire, and myself. Unconsciously, I believed that I needed to cage this monster and deny it as much as possible.
So I was constricting my erotic energy and distancing from my erotic self. This defense against my “badness” was starving me of the juice of life. I feared knowing, let alone living inside my desire, because I was sure it was shameful.
Reclaiming Your Sexual Fantasies With Somatica
As I journeyed through life, my attention turned to personal growth and spirituality. I learned about shame and was fortunate enough to enjoy deep healing and transformation. But the shame at being turned on by imagining the violation of sexual taboos persisted.
Sex was rarely addressed directly by any of my spiritual teachers, and I was sure that any teacher who did address it would condemn me for my taboo fantasies. My shame voice whispered, “Okay, maybe it doesn’t make you a bad person that you get scared, make mistakes, or get angry. But getting off on such dark sexual fantasies definitely means you’re a bad person. Everyone would condemn you if they knew that”. I couldn’t even imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t be condemned for being so aroused by the transgression of sexual taboos.
The reclamation of my sexuality began unexpectedly when erotic curiosity took me to a workshop led by the founders of the Somatica Institute, Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. They encouraged us to explore our hottest sexual fantasies and notice what feelings our fantasies were evoking in us.
During the workshop I felt an uncomfortable amount of shame just entertaining my favorite taboo fantasies in the privacy of my own mind. I was sure my fantasies must be “the worst” in the room. But I was also reassured to hear that my dark sexual fantasies were just a way for me to generate the feelings I found most arousing – not because I actually wanted to experience the violation of these sexual taboos.
How to Release Shame Around Your Taboo Fantasies
After this workshop I went to see Christina Sophie, an intimacy coach I knew had been trained by the Somatica Institute. My body shook in terror during my first session with her. I was shocked by how strong the shame and fear were in my body – despite me intellectually knowing that Christina wasn’t likely to condemn me. My body clearly felt like it was in a dangerous situation.
Despite my terror, I was finally able to share with Christina my dark sexual fantasies, and then even my most taboo fantasies. Christina embraced them enthusiastically and unconditionally. She loved their darkness, got how hot they are, and joined me in exploring my turn on. She participated in fantasizing with me and we even role-played some scenes.
I finally had loving company in a place I’d imagined I had to keep hidden from everyone forever. I was so relieved. The shame I’d always felt around fantasizing about violating sexual taboos finally receded.
I was amazed at the amount of energy, inspiration, and enjoyment that was suddenly allowed to flow through me. I realized how much pleasure and aliveness I’d been depriving myself by believing that there was something wrong with me just because I was turned on by fantasies about forbidden sex.
Why Is It Wrong to Be Turned on By Sex Taboos?
There’s never anything wrong with being turned on – even if it’s by fantasies that transgress sexual taboos. Arousal is just arousal, and it’s normal, nourishing, and feels great when it’s not overshadowed by the shame we’ve so often been taught. Being turned on, even at the highest levels, doesn’t mean that we will or even want to violate sex taboos.
Through fantasies, our minds are able to evoke the particular feelings that give us the most pleasurable arousal. We can imagine things that could never happen, and even people that never existed. There are no limits in this playground – and most importantly no way to harm anyone.
We can get turned on by the weirdest sexual fantasies, and it doesn’t mean that we want to or even could do anything in them. They are just for our arousal and enjoyment.
But why fantasize about violating sex taboos? Many of us who were shamed for our sexuality and arousal now find feelings of shame and humiliation can intensify our arousal.
The strong emotions we have when receiving the shaming becomes paired with our arousal. When this happens, it’s not uncommon for our fantasies to involve sex taboos – and us being humiliated for participating in it, or being turned on by it.
We might even get turned on by imagining ourselves as being terrible violators (even though we would never do this in real life). Or we might get intensely aroused imagining ourselves being sexually violated, even though we would never want this to happen in real life.
By giving myself full permission to entertain even the most taboo fantasies I’m now able to fully enjoy all the delicious flavors of humiliation, terror, power, powerlessness, guilt, anticipation, anger, anxiety etc. in the unique cocktails best suited to my particular erotic palate. I can delight in the vast and subtle universe of erotic enjoyment that is so often missed when we imagine it as one homogenous thing called “arousal”.
How a Sex Coach Can Help You Dealing With Your Forbidden Sex Fantasies
By exploring and enjoying my uncensored fantasies I’ve also come to really know and love the parts of myself that I’d always been convinced deserved condemnation. I now have a deeper sense of clarity and trust in myself than I’d ever known before.
I’ve gained such a sense of “I’ve got myself!” Not because I’m shutting myself down and inhibiting myself, but because I’m welcoming everything that I am and trusting myself to move in alignment with the whole of me. I know at my core that I don’t want to harm, or be harmed by anyone, and it’s such a relief to not feel like I have to hide and guard against myself.
After being blessed with this profound awakening of my erotic energy I wanted to support other people in the way that I’d been supported, so I trained as a sex and relationship coach with the Somatica Institute.
I’ve now had the joy of facilitating similar erotic awakenings in so many people who, like me, were haunted by the idea that there was something wrong with them because they’re turned on by dark sexual fantasies that transgress sexual taboos.
What my clients and I needed to release the shame was the profoundly healing experience of having the shamed taboo turn-ons embraced and celebrated.
If you suffer from shame because your fantasies violate sexual taboos I invite you to work with me, so that you can reclaim your full arousal, sexuality, and desire from shame.
