Relationships are rarely fair or equal. So should you really strive for the ultimate balancing act of a 50/50 relationship?
A lot of hurt can come from the idea that people are supposed to have perfect fairness in relationships – on everything from work to child-rearing, and from emotional support to time with friends.
We recently surveyed a roster of relationship coaches from our directory to get their real-world feedback – and here’s what they revealed about fairness and equality in relationships.
Needs as a Measure of Equality in the Relationship
What the idea of a 50/50 relationship misses is the fact that the people in a relationship have very different needs and capacities.
Brenna shared this story about two coaching clients – let’s call them “Bob” and “Laura”:
Bob had a very high need for interpersonal connection, both inside and outside of the relationship. He loved spending intimate time with his wife, but also found sharing experiences with his friends, hiking group, and extended family extremely fulfilling. Yet he passed almost all of his time alone with Laura.
In talking through this in session, we found that Laura was much more of an introvert, and really didn’t want to spend time with other people. Bob felt that this was bad for her and constantly tried to get her to go places with him. She would agree, then cancel at the last minute. He would feel bad and stay home with her instead of going out himself – building frustration, resentment, and some depression in the process.
Laura, on the other hand, was delighted when he would go out by himself and come home with fun stories to share. Once he realized that her introversion was not a sickness, and she was ok with him doing his own thing, he began to feel much more free. He started taking the time he needed with friends, social hobbies, and family – instead of trying to keep things perfectly 50/50 in the relationship all the time.
Should You Strive for Fairness Despite Differing Capacities?
Another coaching example comes from Susan. She spoke about a client couple who we’ll call Chelsea and Paco.
Paco was one of the most hard workers she had ever seen. He loved his business and seemed to thrive on his success. Chelsea was also an extremely hard worker, in the process of trying to make partner in a law firm. However, unlike Paco, the amount she was working seemed to be literally killing her. She was getting constantly sick, losing weight from her already too-skinny frame, and felt worn out all the time.
They came to me because, not surprisingly, she had almost no libido. The problem was that she felt obligated to work as hard and earn as much as Paco, even though she clearly had a different capacity.
Paco was beside himself because he was much more interested in a healthy wife than anything. He felt completely comfortable with the idea of her working part time, if it meant she would be happy, healthy, and horny again.
It took Chelsea a while to realize that what made her important to Paco wasn’t earning equal pay – rather just being herself. He loved her for her, and she didn’t need her to kill herself in order to prove anything. When she finally decided to go part time, she began feeling healthy and excited about life and Paco again.
Do You Need to Go Tit for Tat in the Bedroom?
People often feel guilty about their needs in the bedroom. Instead of being really clear about what they want and seeing whether their partner is up for it, they don’t ask at all. Or they only ask for a small percentage of what they need, feeling that everything in the bedroom needs to be tit for tat.
Dimitry’s clients – let’s call them Sean and Carmen – were a perfect example of this impossible idea of a 50/50 relationship. This is their story:
Carmen really enjoyed receiving touch and needed plenty of all-over body caressing, grabbing, and kissing in order to get to the height of her arousal. Yet she felt really guilty about her desire to receive – and her lack of interest in caressing Sean back.
In a separate session, Sean admitted shyly that what he loved more than anything was giving. He felt most turned on by previous partners who had acted like a queen in the bedroom. He was a bit disappointed that Carmen was always trying to give back equally, and continued trying to ask her for what she really wanted, to no avail.
Once we finally created a space for them to have an open conversation in a coaching session, they couldn’t believe they had spent 19 years of marriage never talking about their real desires. They happened to be a perfect match.
You Can Negotiate Your Equality in the Relationship
Of course, not everyone fits as perfectly as Sean and Carmen.
When going to the “negotiating table” with your partner over all things sex-related and otherwise, why not start by asking for 100% of what you want. You can encourage them to do the same, and then see what is possible to satisfy each of your desires and boundaries.
Just think about it: if you start by asking for 50% and then compromise, you will likely end up with 30% as a result. 30% is not enough. If you ask for 100% however, you just might get it. Plus, you have a much greater chance of getting at least 70% or 80% which, for most of us, is plenty!
Sometimes, the thought of asking for what you really want can bring up fears of judgement or insecurities. So this is a good time to bring in a relationship coach for a few sessions to give you the tools to create as balanced of a relationship as possible.
Should You Consider Outsourcing to Find Balance?
One final thought: when it comes to differing needs and capacities around sex, in monogamy there is no option to outsource. If you’re unable to negotiate a satisfying solution with your partner, it might be a good idea to give ethical non-monogamy a whirl. Polyamory or an open relationship might just be the option you both need to even things out and find fairness and equality in your relationship.
The bottom line is that it is impossible to measure the things that each person offers in a partnership – and therefore a true 50/50 relationship is impossible. However, taking some time to be honest with yourself and your partner about your actual needs and capacities will really help you work as a team. And as such, you can make room for the differences and strengths in your relationship – a place where each of you can shine!
