Everyone knows about the honeymoon phase in relationships. It’s the emotional and sexual intensity that happens right after meeting someone new.
But what happens to intimacy as couples move from that short-term connection to longer-term relating? And why does the honeymoon phase always eventually fade?
We’ll explain – and not only show what can you do to get it back, but how you can make it a sustained part of your relationship.
What is the Honeymoon Phase and What Are Its Stages?
Remember when you first got together with someone and you felt so passionate about each other? You both thought you are just perfect for each other, wanting to know everything about them, and telling them everything about you.
It was a tremendously exciting time because you each kept raising the stakes of intimacy higher and higher. You told them about your dreams and life goals. Sharing how you feel about each other, you were risking all sorts of vulnerability and potential rejection. You felt entirely alive, brave, seen, and understood. Each new revelation felt like a rush.
This is the first stage in the honeymoon phase – and it is wonderfully intoxicating. Especially when it is mixed up with all the juicy arousal of the sexual honeymoon.
Soon, your uncertainty about this person’s desire for you creates a constant longing for connection, which often takes the form of sexual desire. You may feel infatuated and have obsessive thoughts, as well as an inability to concentrate on your day-to-day life.
Your sex hormones are spiking in an attempt to bond you together long enough for baby-making. In this stage, sex is generally inevitable, spontaneous, passionate, and full of uninhibited desire and arousal. You are probably filled with feelings of excitement as you imagine all of the possibilities for your future together.
Many people are so addicted to this stage that as soon as a relationship starts moving towards the stability and deeper certainty of long-term love, they would rather move on to their next one. They start a new honeymoon phase, never making room for their partner’s flaws or getting comfortable with accepting and revealing their own.
Why Does the Honeymoon Phase Always Fade Away?
If you stick it out though, you will continue to spend more time together and go deeper into intimacy. There, you begin to experience the differences between you. Some of them are attractive and charming, some are neutral, and some give you varying degrees of discomfort.
The charming and neutral ones don’t damage the honeymoon phase feeling – but those uncomfortable ones sure suck. You might, for example, realize that your partner has a very different life pace from you. So one of you feels stuck waiting, while the other feels pressured and hurried.
You might also realize that your partner has a very different tolerance for risk than you. One of you ends up scared, and the other stifled. You might have different political or social beliefs – which make you feel distant and alienated from each other when these topics arise.
This can set the stage for two kinds of fails: It can either be exciting fodder for falling into a deeper kind of love – or, more often than not, this honeymoon stage can set you and your partner up to plummet off of this pedestal.
What Comes After the Honeymoon Phase?
It’s a sad truth that people are given very few tools to deal with the inevitable discomfort that arises as you stay connected to someone over the long term and slide out of that dizzying honeymoon phase.
First, you fear disappointing or being disappointed. Then you judge the differences and snipe at each other about them. You struggle to be honest about the underlying fears they touch on.
After that, your habitual protective mechanisms begin to kick in. Sharing all of yourself doesn’t feel quite as safe anymore. You try to change the other person – while at the same time hiding parts of who you are. Or you distance yourself to avoid the discomfort altogether.
As a result, the joy of that deep intimacy of the honeymoon phase begins to fade. In the worst-case scenario, you become two tightly-wound balls of protective mechanisms. You are living side-by-side, with nothing to talk about except the daily logistics of life. Or you just drift apart, letting love and intimacy fade into a distant memory.
Can You Get The Feeling Back?
The good news is that it is possible to resolve conflict and maintain intimacy in your relationship. And even to regain it when it has started to fade (or been fading for some time).
Note that it’s essential not to wait too long. If those protective mechanisms are the only ones doing the relating, it will start to feel pretty yucky and you might actually detach. Once you detach, it is extremely hard to get the yummy feeling of intimacy back.
How Do You Get it Back?
The truth is, in long-term relationships, we don’t get something back – we get something new. And, in order to create this new, deeper form of intimacy, it is important to be aware that no two people are perfect for each other. It is the discomforting differences between you that allow you to see yourselves. This illuminates both your wounds and your habitual protective responses.
If you can become aware of these dynamics and be honest with yourself and your partner, it is possible to reach and experience a wholly new intimacy level. This deeper intimacy comes from being seen for all of who you are – even when it’s not always perfectly comfortable.
What Tools Do You Need to Recapture the Honeymoon Phase?
This new level of intimacy requires a different kind of vulnerability and bravery than the initial revelation of yourself. It requires you to acknowledge the differences and make space for the whole of each of you. And not just the easy, comfortable parts. It requires you to empathize across differences – not resort to judgement. You must be willing to fully repair whenever your protective mechanisms arise and you snipe, withdraw, shut down, acquiesce, etc.
The profound healing, joy, and connection that comes from real intimacy can be stunning. And regardless of whether you are single or in a relationship, if you want help gaining the tools of real intimacy – the good, deep, soul-filling kind – consider working with a relationship coach. They can share their tool set with you and set you up for long-term happiness.
