It’s always fine until it isn’t. If you’ve experienced stress in relationships, you might now vigorously nod your head at the obviousness of this statement. And sure – it’s important to remember that your partner’s differences from you are all fine and well. That is UNTIL they cause you discomfort, or you feel the way they are handling something is terribly wrong.
The source of this tension can include a wide variety of circumstances, from constant arguing, lack of communication, finances, kids, moral and ethical misalignments, to health issues and cheating.
So how do you overcome and reconcile a relationship during these extended times of stress?
How Your Differences Get in the Way of Intimacy
Say, you are worried about money, the state of US politics, or climate change. Your partner, in contrast, is pretty relaxed about it. You might start to silently judge or overtly criticize one another. Peering across the room, you ask yourself with an unnerved attitude: “Who thinks this way?!?”.
If you are not careful, you can all too easily begin to polarize this sentiment across many different topics and approaches to life. Instead of practicing empathy and putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, you dig in on your own stances. Becoming more and more staunch in your beliefs about the world, you feel they should see things the way you do. You begin to feel distant from your partner and lose your sense of intimacy and partnership.
Note: There’s No Right Way to Live a Life
To get through these challenging times, it’s important to hold the attitude that there is just no right way to live a life. That includes reacting to a crises, or making certain decisions.
Whether your differences come from reasoned thinking, your histories of hurt, or trauma – it’s essential to remember there is no way to argue a person into being someone else than they are.
Overcoming Your Relationship Stress
So – what can you do differently to help reconcile a stressed relationship?
1. Practice Empathy
You can ask that judgmental person in your head to please settle down and stop running the show. After all, we need our judgement to survive many situations – but critiquing our partner never increases intimacy. Try to REALLY listen, with as much patience and empathy as you can muster.
2. Consider Another Point of View
You can take turns considering the other person’s point of view. Make sure you actually say it back to them, sincerely. This might look like one partner saying: “You don’t feel like we are in danger, and it’s hard for you that I’m scared all the time.” The other partner would respond with “You are really afraid of what’s happening with climate change. And you are not only afraid of people being affected, you are upset with how our country is handling it.”
3. Map a New Approach
Sometimes, just hearing your partner acknowledge your approach with empathy makes all the difference. Often, it provides a path to reconnection. Finally, once you see your differences as neutral, you can come up with ways to approach life and each other that takes them into account.
For more helpful pointers about how to overcome stress in relationships, read a sample chapter of the book “Coming Together”.
P.S: Don’t Forget About Sex
If sex is a resource for you in your relationship (as opposed to a place of conflict), make sure you set aside some sexy time. It will calm your nervous systems, deepen intimacy, and create some resilience around the challenges to come.
Still Need Help? Talk to a Relationship Coach
Sometimes you just can’t figure it out and need a helping hand.
If you experience severe or long-lasting stress in your relationships, talk to one of our certified relationship coaches. They can help you negotiate your frustrations and anxieties, and give you tools to set up a relationship that works for both parties.
